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ANECDOTES AND HOW TO'S FROM THE GIRL YOUR MOM SUGGESTED YOU STOP HANGING OUT WITH

Partying: A Retrospective

This past weekend consisted of two parties. The first was my party of 1 at The Cheesecake Factory. The other was my friend Alex’s birthday party at his apartment. At this party I played beer pong and actually observed an argument that was sparked by one person claiming they could free-style rap better than another. This caused quite a bit of upset. It was that kind of party.

                               

The cops were called as well so you know it was a good time. I had a flashback to 2004 and instantly hid my beer behind my back. I’m going to hide my beer from cops until the day I die. They scare the living crap out of me. I want to give cops absolutely no reason to come up to me and ask me any questions.


M’am, may I see your identification please?

I’M DRUNK! I’M DRUNK RIGHT NOW THERE I SAID IT OH MY GOD HERE’S MY I.D. FUCK!!

Well, you’re on private property and it says here that you’re 23 years old—

PLEASE, DON’T CALL MY PARENTS!

I had some intense run-ins back in the day as an unruly suburban teenager, so cops spook me easily. I was at a party once in high school where the cops threatened to come back with a paddy wagon and call everyone’s parents. I shit myself. Actually I called my older sister’s boyfriend at the time and told him I was putting his number in my phone as “Dad” and to expect a call from law enforcement soon. I can’t remember what actually ended up happening because I blacked out from either too much Absolut, or absolute fear. Or some sort of combination of the two.

I got away with a lot of crap in high school by somehow managing to never get arrested. I did however get caught by my parents being out at 4am when I was supposed to be asleep in bed. My parents called the cops after I returned home. I was in my bedroom contemplating hitchhiking to New York City and starting a new life at 16 when I heard a knock on my door. It was Officer I’m-In-Your-House. I was so thrown off that I actually invited him in to my room.

Hi Lisa, I’m officer Who-Cares. Your parents wanted me to talk to you for a minute.

Am I on scared straight?

28 Days Later, huh? Cool poster. I saw it. Pretty scary stuff, right?

Yeah I uh…..WTF is going on right now?

He gave me his business card because apparently cops have those. He told me that if I needed to talk I could “give him a call.” This whole thing still confuses the hell out of me to this day.

But despite my best efforts at self-sabotage I still turned out alright! I graduated from high school a year early and got in to the college of my choice. I dated a controlling asshole for the early part of college who really kept me in line as far as partying or any social interaction goes. Thanks for that, I guess! Now I’ve got a good Peggy Olson handle on my life. Single, some rocky early years, occasional party girl when the mood strikes, but mostly I work all day and then go to bed early.

    

  1. xohollyhox posted this