How To Train For a Marathon
Ha, yeah right. I’m not running a marathon.
But I am running a 5k in 2 weeks. The original plan was to run every day (aside for the weekends when I’m pretty consistently intoxicated) beginning on November 16th. Know how many times I’ve ran since November 16th? 10 times. Okay 5 time— 3 times.
So here’s 6 ways to excuse yourself from running when you’re training for your first ever athlectic anything:
1) Get sick. Super easy. Especially when it’s cold outside. Just take a shower and then step outside, sopping wet. This will result in an immediate sore throat which, if you’re lucky, will turn in to full-blown bronchitis and put you out for at least a week.
2) Injure yourself whilst running and then proceed to tell everyone you know that you’ve given yourself a running injury and need to take a break from that first and only time you ran and got shin splints because “Vans are running shoes…”
3) Rely on someone else as motivation. Are you feeling energised? Have you purchased proper shoes that aren’t made of 2x4s and attic insulation? Are you limber and properly stretched and pulled n’ pushed and warmed-up? Then pick up the phone because it’s your running buddy and she’s calling to say she isn’t feeling well. Free pass. You don’t run alone because what if people look at you? Retreat back to the indoors.
4) Let it get dark. Just wait. Stand here and it’ll get dark and then you can’t run in the dark. There could be rapists or hungry lost dogs. Don’t risk it. Stay home.
5) Procrastinate by doing those things that you usually procrastinate over. It’s not that you’re avoiding running, you’re just doing what truly needs to be done. If you go out for a run now, then who will be here to hang these pictures that you’ve been meaning to hang for 8 months? It simply cannot wait. OH! And lookie there now it’s dark outside. Too bad.
6) Inclimate weather. You really don’t have any control over this. This is just god saying “Fuck you. You were going to stay home anyway.”
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