February 2012
4 posts
3 tags
Okay, that’s it. It’s confirmed. There is a tumblr girl-syncing-periods thing happening. We’re all bleeding at the same time. WATCH THE FUCK OUT.
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Lurrissiannuh
I’m headed back to New Orleans for further debauchery. It’s Mardi Gras, HELLO. I’ve been told that at first you think you don’t care about getting any beads but then within no more than 10 minutes you’re all, “ANYTHING! I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR THE BEADS!!!!!!!!’
I’ll be staying with my friend’s family just outside of NoLA, in Slidell. It is...
3 tags
Texts From Dad: 5
Dad: Headed for imdoor sky diving tonight seaworld tomorrow horses sunday
Me: Jeeze! Be careful
Dad (two hours later): HOLY CRAP IT WAS AWESOME !!! PHOTOS AND DVD U WILL WET YOUR PANTS !! MOM FLYING!
my parents are fucking insane
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January 2012
2 posts
4 tags
And They Probably Won't Even Offer To Pay For...
Have you ever thought about having a child?
I’m not talking to all of you that already have children. So if that’s you, just skip this whole post because it could potentially come off as insensitive and basically a huge overgeneralization which is exactly how I’m meaning it to sound sooooo-
No but really, have you? Thought about it? Babies?
I’m not scared to say that...
1 tag
That Awkward Moment When You Tell The Person...
I kind of hate all these “That Awkward Moment When…” scenarios that are happening now.
I first started seeing them on my 12 year old cousin’s facebook and just assumed she didn’t totally understand the meaning of the word and was using it wrong.
That awkward moment when your teacher passes out the test and all you know is the date and your name!
…..
Oh...
December 2011
3 posts
YR MOM
My mother would give me an airplane hanger for Christmas if she could. She’d fill the airplane hanger with lavish gifts that would include but would not be limited to, an actual airplane that would more than likely have my initials and/or cupcakes painted all over it. The woman is a saint, and she gives too much to her lowly children who deserve not even half of it. Well, my sister went to...
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Having Put Too Much Water In Your Instant Oatmeal...
I’m brainstorming for new blog ideas. Not a new blog post, but an entirely new blog. Too many people know the person being this word-vomit. My initial intent was to remain as Batman as possible about the whole thing. My identity has been exposed. Mainly because I was like “Hey this is me look at the shit I write on the internet!!”
Do not worry, I will not abandon ship. However,...
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How To Train For a Marathon
Ha, yeah right. I’m not running a marathon.
But I am running a 5k in 2 weeks. The original plan was to run every day (aside for the weekends when I’m pretty consistently intoxicated) beginning on November 16th. Know how many times I’ve ran since November 16th? 10 times. Okay 5 time— 3 times.
So here’s 6 ways to excuse yourself from...
November 2011
2 posts
5 tags
New Orleans: Halloween Lasts A Month But Everyone...
Since we last interneted together I have been to New Orleans and back. Oh, it was a great journey. One that was filled with what I believe to be some kind of skin mites (temporary!!) and lots of food from the dumpster. Guys, it was a great time. You’re reading this all wrong.
A couple of friends and myself went to go visit our old pal Alex who moved away from Atlanta to the swamp lands...
September 2011
2 posts
5 tags
Everything I Ever Need To Know About Love I...
I am currently writing the first draft of this post on the coffee table of my bother-in-law’s parent’s house in the Great Smokey Mountains of North Carolina. With all of this majestic beauty going on around me I decided to camp out inside where it’s nice and dark and carpeted.
People become very curious when you sit down to write with a pen and paper. “What’cha...
1 tag
Time Flies When You Suddenly Have To Start Waking...
Hey lady and gentleman babes. I have this new real-human job that takes up about 1,000 hours of my time every week so I haven’t forgotten about writing — I just, ya know, need to sleep sometimes. But fear not! ‘Cause Austin was weird like they said it would be and I’ve got stories to tell.
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Buzz Lightbeer
I just need to share with everyone this mug shot of Tim Allen in 1970-something.
I don’t know why he was arrested. I don’t care. I just saw it and couldn’t stop laughing. What if someone told him, at the very moment this picture was taken, “You’re going to be a cartoon plastic astronaut solider toy in 20 years.” Or, “You’re going to have a son and...
August 2011
12 posts
2 tags
Texts From Dad: 4
Dad: Riding in first w/ Dr. Dre’s on and glass of merlot cuz dats de way I be rollin
Me: It took me so long to figure out what the hell you were talking about
Dad: hehe
swellman87 asked: You wouldn't happen to be a Mysterious Universe fan, would you?
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Therefore: Aliens
My best friend and I have a lot of things in common. In high school, it was a mutual love of pop punk and brightly colored plastic bracelets. Now it’s more of a mutual love of whiskey gingers and bad TV. People grow. People change.
We have similar styles, similar tastes in music and movies. There is one huge difference in our interests, however: I love anything relating to the paranormal....
5 tags
Partying: A Retrospective
This past weekend consisted of two parties. The first was my party of 1 at The Cheesecake Factory. The other was my friend Alex’s birthday party at his apartment. At this party I played beer pong and actually observed an argument that was sparked by one person claiming they could free-style rap better than another. This caused quite a bit of upset. It was that kind of party.
...
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It's Not Cheating If You're In Another Country
Becoming a vegetarian was pretty hard. In 7th grade I slowly gave up one type of meat at a time until I was down to fruits and vegetables and lots and lots of pasta but mainly just cheese. Starting to eat meat again was hard too, for about the first 5 minutes. Then it was so, so deliciously easy. Having been a vegetarian for 9 years, I thought that my body would have...
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I’m trying ot not drink coffieee but it’s likem6:30p, adn time fo rbed now………….
3 tags
Texts From Dad: 3
Dad: Just put six pack of Magic Hat #9 in the fridge
Me: Nice. save one for me
Dad: u wish
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A New Job: Thoughts On Death
I can now share some fantastic news with all 8 of you: I got a new job! Yes! And it’s full time and it comes with benefits and vacation days and such. Also, if I die, I have insurance to cover my own cremation costs. Isn’t this FUN??! YEAH!??!
Since I had to sign the paper work and the money will now officially be there should the unfortunate situation arise, I did...
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Facebook Archives: 2007-2011
While looking through old Facebook messages between my best friend and myself today, I stumbled on this shining gem of maturity from 2007:
“it’s officially [ex boyfriend’s] birthday. I really want to just say “hey hope your 21st birthday sucks and you get alcohol poisoning….ALONE!”
Also, this:
BFF: Hey I don’t know if this is working just send me...
6 tags
How To Counter Act A Bad Day/Year
I’m an insanely positive person. Know why? Because I force myself to be that way. It’s not natural. I was born pessimistic just as I was born with A+ blood. But through loads of introspection and demon-facing, I’ve found out how to turn my frown upside down when dealing with the bullshits of life. Wanna know how? That’ll be twenty dollars.
1)...
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Adventures In Pet Sitting
I’m pet sitting for a friend this week. She has OnDemand and a tempurpedic bed. I’m amazed she’s even paying me. I might as well be at the Hilton. And she left me some bourbon. Is this real life?
I’ll be taking care of 2 of about the cuttest goddamn dogs you ever knew, so that’s a plus. Puppy Cuddle Puddles! Then later, undoubtedly cleaning up poop and puke. That...
July 2011
6 posts
5 tags
Lady Parts
I live in a house that is about 103 years old. At any other point in time I would use the number “103” when speaking in hyperbole, but not today. The house was built in 1908. (Ripley’s) Believe it or not. I live in a pretty nice neighborhood where the home values are at about half a million dollars. My house is big and my rent is cheap. Know what that means? It means I live in...
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Rise And Shine And Give God A Bloody Mary
A Bloody Mary is a super alcoholic drink. And I don’t mean it’s particularly high in its alcohol content, but that the only people that really like Bloody Marys are most likely alcoholics.
“Ah, well I really don’t drink that much but I kinda like Bloody Mar—”
Shut up. You have a problem. And we love you. Won’t you just sit down and listen to what we have...
How To (Im)properly Text Your Ex OR: How To Be The...
I love late night texts from exes. You know, the ones where they just want to see how you’ve been and what you’ve been up to.
HI WHATS UP HAVEN’T TALKED TO YOU IN A WHILE HOW ARE YOU WHERE ARE YOU LETS GET BACK TOGETHER I MISS YOU SERIOUSLY WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW??????
I am, from time to time, an ex-texter myself. But I do it...
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A/S/L?
Show of hands: Who had an online boyfriend?
Or girlfriend, for that matter…
ME! I DID!
I will tell you, without reservation, that I did have a number of online boyfriends in my day. I was 11 or so. Is that too young for chat rooms? Keep in mind this was during a time when real adolescents logged in to chat rooms because they were new and cool. It wasn’t just 40 year old’s...
June 2011
20 posts
3 tags
Damn it feels good to be a winner.
I won a contest today.
I totally freaked out. Like, probably way more than was appropriate for the situation. I called my mom.
A few weeks ago I entered in a contest (and then forgot about it) via BAGGU’s facebook page. They posted a picture of a new color of backpack that they were selling. They weren’t quite sure what to name this totally-out-of-sight-super-stellar color of...
3 tags
Whats a Melba Toast?
I’m going on a stupid fucking diet (sort of), cause I feel like this all the time
Allow me to illustrate how much I do not know about Star Wars: In order to find this picture on the internet, I had to Google “hideous fat thing from Star Wars”. I’m sorry guys but I find the whole Star Wars space-drama to be a huge snooze fest. Shout angry...
3 tags
Is there some sort of education cap for leaving...
Know who I love?
Dis bisshh
Only a couple more pictures and then someone needs to take these cause my crazy talents’ gettin a little heavy ovur hurr.
She’d probably hate me because I don’t believe in Jesus and she’s kind of a diva but really, it doesn’t matter. I still love her. So much.
Did you know she’s pregnant with her 6th child? This...
3 tags
I've been Hanks'd
This weekend was fantastic. Let me tell you why.
Two reasons: Gay marriage was passed in New York and I watched Apollo 13.
Let’s focus on Apollo 13.
I watched Apollo 13 on VHS, on a BIG SCREEN TV in my friend’s mom’s basement. I was 7 years old again. I think in the 90’s your status was determined by how many square feet your TV could take up in your basement. Now you...
Texts from Dad: 2
My dad just flew to Labrador, Canada. He likes to stay in touch.
Dad:South Park in french is crazeeee
Me: hahah wtf?
Dad: Met some drunk aussie guy at bar. He tried to skate the bill.
Me: Did you tackle him?
Me: Daaaaaaaaad?
Dad: ZzZzZZzzZzz
[I can only assume he fell asleep if he failed to conclude that killer story. Either that or he’s currently fighting an intoxicated Australian]
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10 things you always wanted to know about Denver...
1) Denvernites hate people that wear those 5 finger shoes. It might be because those shoes are so ass-ugly, but who knows for sure.
2) Denvernites love Subarus. They use them for driving up to the Rockies and also for going to the store for antacids and American Spirits. They are extremely versatile vehicles.
3) Denver has the best weather during the summer. Hands down. No...
2 tags
oh stewardess, i speak jive.
I wish it was still expected for people to dress up a bit for plane rides. I think it should be an event to dress up for because it should be a mini-celebration for everyone involved. You should celebrate every time you step on and off of a plane.
When you board, everyone should participate in a champagne toast. We should toast to the Wright Brothers and insanely smart human brains that made this...
2 tags
How I Pay My Rent
I have a job that involves a few things:
a desk a computer the internet listening to recordings of people talk about theirblahblablahblahI’mbored. push pins frustration frozen dinners (I eat them, I don’t make them. Well…I heat them up. Whatever.) making fun of things on the internet with coworkers. quietly snickering snickers…sometimes spreadsheets
So ya know, pretty...
3 tags
LOL JK UR UGLY
I’ve seen a few people reblogging a Selena Gomez’s music video for her song “Who Says”. I heard this in H&M the other day while waiting in line to try on a $5 skirt (like I wasn’t going to buy it regardless if it looked good or not. Five. Dollar. Skirt.) and saw every girl in line whisper-singing along with it. “Girls like this song” is what I thought...
3 tags
Texts From Mom:1
Me: ah, fake out. I thought I was going to come to [Home Town USA] to keep Beth company while she house sits for her mom but it turns out I’m not. Sorry!
Mom: disappointed.
Oh shit…Mom, you still know how to cut to the core of me.
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My Body Is Confused. Also, I Think He's Gay IRL.
Ah yes, Nicholas Hoult from the popular British teen drama Skins. The mildly attractive bad-boy asshole that gets hit by a bus and hence forth forgets to be an asshole. You know the type.
shhh, I’ll never tell.
So naughty!
WAit…is that….him? from the 2002 rom-com, About A Boy?
YUP.
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Summer: An Excuse To Dress Like Shit
Have you noticed that as the weather gets hotter, people seem to either not get fully dressed in the morning or just wear the same swimming attire as actual clothing in public for the entire season?
I really, really like this.
Why? Because it make me feel better about using Summer as an excuse to just throw on some crappy H&M dress and flip flops and never, ever wear a bra. My curse is now...
3 tags
Texts From Dad: 1
Dad: I havew found the worlds coldest draft blue moon in august ga the birthplace of your mother.
Me: Well that’s the best news I’ve heard all day. Mom said you flew on someone’s private plane today? Ballin’?
D: Tomorrow morning. Toy plane called Cessna Gran Caravan. It’s a soccer mom ride w wings.
M: terrifying. good luck.
D: taking bedshhets for parachute.
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Isaac isn't ugly anymore, but still makes me feel...
You guys. Hanson is back. Did you know?
I was in a movie theater last night, waiting for my slow-ass friends and watching those dumb commercials for TNT dramas and movie trivia when who should appear but these gentlemen. They were dancing and singing in front of a white background. Apparently they have a new song, or album, or their own brand of vodka. I don’t know. I wasn’t listening. All...
3 tags
Sharpie developers = wizards
In case you all don’t browse around on Office Depot’s website on a regular basis, here’s a bit of news that you might not be aware of. Sharpie has created a new type of highlighter. It’s what we call a “game-changer”, people!
Listen. It’s a gel highlighter. I saw it. I had to have it.
It doesn’t smudge the ink that you’re highlighting over....
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