HI-HO!

THIS IS HOW I REMEMBER IT

Ten Books That Feel Like They’re Actually Related To Me At This Point

Someone recently posted a “tag 5 other people to do the same dumb thing” post on facebook RE: The Ten Books That Have Stayed With You In Some Way. No one tagged me to compile a list so FUCK YOU that’s what I have a tumblr for :)

A Confederacy of Dunces - It took true talent to create the most simultaneously lovable and excruciatingly annoying character of all time. Plus, New Orleans.

The Braindead Megaphone - One lesson among many in this book: it doesn’t matter if you’re the most educated and level headed person at the party, if the laughably ill-informed asshat is the one dude screaming his opinions at said party, everyone is going to listen to him. And they might even start believing him. What a simple concept. I’m convinced that George Saunders and I share a brain — he’s just way better at communicating our shared thoughts is all.

Me Talk Pretty One Day - We read an excerpt from this book in my high school Literature class junior year and it was then that I fell in love with the personal essay. It’s all I want to read forever and ever.

Bridge To Terabithia - Ah, the first book to ever make me cry. I was in 6th grade home room and completely taken by surprise. I honestly don’t even remember what happens in this book just that I WAS MOVED.

Harriet The Spy - This isn’t even. I just can’t with this. The movie too.

The History of Love - How many times can one person’s heart break, really, before you just die???

Slapstick or Lonesome No More! - My first taste of Vonnegut and still my favorite. After finishing this book was the first time I felt the impulse to spend the following two hours dissecting it and getting all my feelings towards it on paper. If 15-year-old me feels moved to write an essay about a book with nothing having been assigned to me, that book is fucked up and on point.

Youth In Revolt - First real discussion I ever had about a book with people that I gave a shit about. It was a super punk high school book club. Totes not school sanctioned (winky face yes it was and we got donuts).

*Fox 8 - Goddamn George Saunders, at it again. He creates this form of English for the story that convinces you you’re reading the voice of a fox who is telling you a sweet and lighthearted tale about how he interacts with the world and all the idiot humans in it. The whole this is so believable that I think it maybe was written by a woodland fox and George Saunders plagiarized it and also I’m still crying from this story. Can we please stop urban sprawl already?!

House of Leaves - HOLY SHIT FOOTNOTES ARE THE ENTIRE BOOK NOTHING IS REAL

What most of these works have in common is that they shocked the hell out of me. I thought that “successful literature” had to be written in a certain format or at least follow some sensible and familiar path. But the books that I’ve LOVED the most have left me feeling like I had no idea what “novels” or “stories” even were anymore. The authors totally fucked my shit up and helped me feel less afraid of writing exactly how I wanted to write.

So there’s my list.

*technically a short story and not a book but, again, I make the rules around here

When men imagine a female uprising, they imagine a world in which women rule men as men have ruled women.

Sally Kempton

I feel this is very important.

(via yourenotsylviaplath)

It’s been apparent to me for a while that most men can’t really imagine “equality.”  All they can imagine is having the existing power structure inverted.

I cannot decide whether this shows how unimaginative they are, or shows how aware they must be of what they do in order to so deeply fear having it turned on them.

(via lepetitmortpourmoi)(via misandry-mermaid)

I can’t take how true this is.

(via wallofdis)

I raaaaaarely reblog text, but damn.

(via wallofdis)

Cooking Advice

Make your dry falafel mix go farther by adding bread crumbs and taco seasoning. Will it make your falafel taste like tacos? Idk, is that bad?

Lessons

My 2nd year in Korea is coming to a close. It was my first full year in Korea as a single lady. I spent most of my time with my students, my girlfriends, and gay men. Here’s the advice I would have given to myself in 2013 but in reality I didn’t need it cause I learned it all anyway.

  • Let your body just BE. Treat it good, talk to it nice, dress it the way you like it.
  • Koreans in your town are conservative and are going to stare at you whether you wear a turtle neck or a tube top, so just wear whatever you want.
  • Writing every day is not only possible, but mandatory.
  • Making your bed in the morning is the single best thing you can do for the outcome of the rest of your day.
  • Stop thinking in terms of what you do and do not “deserve” because we all deserve it all, hunty.
  • Positivity attracts positivity and positivity is more fun than whatever else you were doing before. But cynicism sure is funny.
  • Every now and then you need to leave your friends and go out alone. Yes, it sounds scary but you won’t regret it and it’ll give you confidence to do it again.
  • Did you know that clothes are really fun? Spend time putting outfits together and wear them with as much confidence outside the house as you do inside.
  • Meeting new people isn’t the worst. IT’S NOT THE BEST, but it’s not as bad as you think and I’m sure it’ll make you a better person in some way (that way is not yet clear).
  • Carry condoms eh-vuh-ree-where.
  • READ READ READ READ READ
  • Appreciate the day. Say it out loud. “These flowers are beautiful.” “This book is really great.” “How lucky am I that this watermelon is on sale?”
  • Do not fill your “alone time” with TV. Go out and get coffee. Read and write. Otherwise boredom can start to look like loneliness. 
  • Make-up is also fun. Wear it as much or as little as you want.
  • If you’re torn between taking a backpack or taking your purse: take the backpack.
  • Treat yourself when you can. Give when you can. Money comes and goes.
  • Buy vegetables the day you’re going to use them, and no sooner.
  • Take the initiative with men. Don’t wait around because you think that’s what is expected of you.
  • Keep the guitar and the yoga mat out of their cases; you’ll use them more.
  • Speak up when someone says something ignorant, but try VERY hard not to come from anger.
  • Don’t preface your opinion with an apology.
  • Trust your sense of direction even if it gets you lost (a lot).
  • People bend the truth a lot of the time for various reasons. It doesn’t make them bad people, it just makes them people who wanted to tell a better story.
  • Take advantage of every opportunity to swim.
  • You have traditionally masculine and feminine traits. Show and love them all.


Things I Have Not Yet Learned:

  • How to stick to a budget


I guess it was a good year.

Me at the bar last night.

How To Run For Public Office In South Korea

It’s election time and you’re on the ticket! Let’s win this thing.

Alright, first of all, what’s the biggest you can make your face on a banner? Make it that big. Post it on all four sides of a building. What’s inside of that building? Is it even receiving any more natural light? Who cares! Check out how big your face is!

Rent open-air vehicles to drive around town while blasting your theme song. These vehicles should also be plastered with images of your very large face. Sometimes they should park on sidewalks and a dude with a megaphone should get out and start SCREAMING your name while wearing white gloves and a white sash like he’s the bride at a bachelorette party with no guests.

Find some volunteers to stand on street corners. Instruct them to yell at and bow to pedestrians as they cross the street. They should also wear white gloves and sashes so as to look reliable? trustworthy? insane? What is with these outfits?

These volunteers should never consider whether or not they are in anyone’s way while standing in the middle of a busy crosswalk. They are to yield to no man. What is important is that the public see they are wearing hats with your number on them. Yes, every candidate will be assigned a number. Ain’t nobody got time to remember your boring ass name.

image

Send a large group of people in to a busy public market to run in to randos and hand them pieces of paper which they will immediately drop on the ground.

Hire some ladies to post up on the back of a truck and perform a dance routine for the public while that same dude with the mega phone and sash (does this guy ever sleep?) hollers at people and motions to the women like, “Get a load of these chicks! Hot stuff, right? Brought to you by *your number here*. What better way to say ‘thanks for the babes’ than voting for *your number here* next Thursday?!” Then he’ll just repeat your number over and over until I kill myself.

Or just make some chump volunteers put on animals costumes and laugh your ass off.

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Good luck *your number here*!!!

Cover songs that I’ve recorded over the last few months and feel like sharing because why not?

Yesterday my friend Kelly lugged a 30 pound box on to an across town bus to my apartment. Inside the box was an inflatable pool large enough to accommodate four grown ass adults. I prepared pasta salad and purchased champagne. We spent the entire afternoon boozing, eating and gabbing on my rooftop and didn’t even wear sunscreen cause that’s how leisurely this day was. Lounge sessions were only interrupted for bathroom and dance breaks. It was the best Saturday afternoon in recent history. I loved it so much that I was moved to say, “Ya know, summer isn’t so bad.”

And I HATE summer, so, that’s saying something.

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Then my boss texted me later letting me know that my perpetually angry landlord called him to relay a message to me (since I don’t speak Korean) saying the water from the draining pool was leaking in to someone’s apartment. And I’m responsible for the damages.

HIGHS AND LOWS.

The National: Could there BE any more white dudes in this band?