HI-HO!

THIS IS HOW I REMEMBER IT

The National: Could there BE any more white dudes in this band?

"*very cute and coy* Did ______ tell you that he had a crush on me or was that a dream I had?"

"That was for sure a dream. I’ve never said that to you and he’s never told me that."

"OKAY GREAT COOL JUST CHECKING"

image

Articles I Can’t Get Away From

The 400 Types Of Lists You’ll Read In Your 20s
Things You’re Currently Experiencing
Why Sandwiches Are Good
Do Drugs But Also Don’t Do Them Too Much
Don’t Slut Shame
Don’t Shame Shame
What Boys Hate About You
Every Girl’s Body Is Correct
How To Never Take Another Shower In Your Life
Don’t Hate The Player, Hate Yourself
Reasons Why Money Isn’t Real
You’re Selfish, Dickwad!
Valentine’s Day Is Over But Let’s Keep Mentioning It
Reasons Why Wine Is Food
Shoot For The Moon, You Won’t Make It Tho
A Bad, Lengthy Poem About Having Sex With A Personified Asshole 
Reasons It’s Okay To Be The Asshole
New Kinds Of Relationships To Fuck Up
Aren’t You Also Obsessed With This TV Show?
How To Be You But Not As Awful
Read This And Feel Very Old Indeed
I Didn’t Like This Movie
14 Songs That You’re Supposed To Like
Just Give Up Already
1,000 Ways To Use Canned Pumpkin: Seriously Useful

light hearted gchat

Me: Mutual Friend is dating a male model. Google Name of Male Model right now.
Me: and then join me in killing yourself
Katie: let’s commit suicide

Fuck! I Ruined The Joke With A Spelling Error!

—the title of my autobiography

Help me, I’m poor and sexy

Help me, I’m poor and sexy

How To Take Care Of #1

Hair
Wash your hair twice a week. Maybe less. Actually just see how long you can go between washes before your coworkers start noticibly distancing themselves from you. Your oils are good for you and everyone else, too. Use more hairspray today than you did the day before.

Skincare
If you have problem areas such as your T-zone or your entire face use a mixture of bleach, genuine gypsy tears and Cetaphil twice daily. Once a week smear motor oil all over your face and body because the least sense something makes the more people swear by it. Put sugar on your face with a Brillo pad. Do not rinse.

Fitness
When you wake up in the morning watch a couple episodes of Golden Girls. Pay attention to how hot their bods were for a bunch of old ass ladies. Now look at your bod. Bleck!!! Right?? Do wall squats for one minute.Take a shower. DO NOT WASH YOUR HAIR.

Style
Outfits are simple. Everything you own can be worn together if you just believe in yourself. Except don’t mix gold and silver accessories or you’ll look like a unrefined trollop. Have you ever worn three headbands at one time? I’m not saying “for sure do that” I’m just knocking some ideas around. Consider everything. Say no to only 2% of the outfits.

Diet
You can buy food at the store but then it doesnt cook itself so that can prove to be troublesome. Do what you can. Eat quinoa. Also eat only brown foods, not white foods. All brown foods are good except bread and pasta and anything else good you were just thinking about. Forget it all. Eat everything raw except bread and pasta but you can’t eat those anyway so fuck it. Fuck.

Spiritual Life
It’s important to pay attention to your spirit. Your inner ghost needs a lot from you. It needs you to breath really slowly and deeply every day in order to properly haunt. Ghosts need to haunt to survive. Your inner ghost really digs stuff like yoga, vauge affirmations about how great ghosts are, random crystals that you keep in your jacket pockets, green tea, et al.

Make-up
First, apply a primer to make sure everything sticks to your face throughout the day. Put on another coat of something. Then another. Highlight, highlight, highlight, contour, buff and set. Beat that face, child. The best thing to do to look good is to really beef up all the hair around your eyeballs. Eyebrow pencils are the greatest things but use some restraint there, Ursula. Don’t use mascara. Instead, get eyelash extentions to reveal your truest real inner beauty.

LADIES! Whatever you do in life, please, PLEASE, NEVER forget that men are the complete and total opposite of women. They share no common traits in thought or emotion or behavior. EVER. Read this unbelievably enlightening post to FIGURE MEN THE FUCK OUT (FINALLY!!!) and essentially change the way you deal with the world until he puts a ring on it after which point just do whatever you want I guess and see if he sticks around?

LADIES! Whatever you do in life, please, PLEASE, NEVER forget that men are the complete and total opposite of women. They share no common traits in thought or emotion or behavior. EVER. Read this unbelievably enlightening post to FIGURE MEN THE FUCK OUT (FINALLY!!!) and essentially change the way you deal with the world until he puts a ring on it after which point just do whatever you want I guess and see if he sticks around?